How Stories Helped Me Talk to My Daughter about Adoption

Guest Post by Poulomi Pal

As a parent (by adoption) of a four-year-old and a keen collector of books, I began looking for stories on adoption that I could read with my child. Adoptive parents often look for creative, constructive and age-appropriate ways to discuss adoption with their children. Stories ‘normalise’ adoption and challenge conventional ideas about how families are created. In particular, I was looking for picture books with limited text which would suit my daugther. 

The easiest option were stories about Krishna, the naughty butter-addict who was brought up with immense love by his foster parents, Yashoda and Nandlal. My daughter loved the stories and Krishna became her favourite fictional friend. When it came to selecting a picture book on Krishna, I found that Amar Chitra Katha comics were unsuitable for her age but Bhakti Mathur’s ‘Amma tell me About Krishna’ was a good start.

Beyond mythology, I found the story of The Lonely King and Queen who adopt a baby by Deepa Balsaver. My daughter could immediately relate to them. It helped us discuss our feelings and explore different types of families.  We made jokes and asked each other questions to make the process interesting. 

Our all-time favourite amongst Western books is And Tango Makes Three by Peter Purnell and Justin Richardson, the true story of two male chinstrap penguins in Central Park Zoo, New York, who started a family with an adopted egg which hatches Tango. It’s a lovely, simple, pleasurable story and is beautifully illustrated. 

Another of my daughter’s favourites is A mother for Choco by Keiko Kasza  where a baby bird looks for a mother who  resembles her. In her quest she finds someone bearing very little resemblance to her who asks her a different question, ’what would your mother do?’ rather than ‘how she should look?’ I loved the book since it attempts challenges the idea of similarities between parents and children. 

And there are many more excellent books: I wished for you by Marianne R Richmond, We Belong Together by Todd Parr and Yes, I am Adopted by Sharlie Zinniger . But all these books are in English and I am always on the quest for stories in vernacular languages. 

When discussing adoption, stories are a great way to make the conversation natural.

I chose Khirer Putul (cheese-dough doll) which was written in Bangla by Abanindranath Tagore in 1896.  Aban Thakur (as he is fondly referred to) was also a painter and illustrator . The story’s premise is similar to most Indian folktales: a king has two wives, the pampered younger one and the neglected older one. When the king leaves for a voyage, the younger queen has a laundry list of demands while the older one wants a monkey.  She adopts the monkey that the king brings back . The smart little monkey soon sets off on his own adventures which bring glory to him and his adoptive mother. My daughter loved the cute, mischievous adopted monkey-child but the unexpected side-effect of the story is  that she now expects me to adopt two puppies and a monkey!

Most adoptive parents worry about the ‘moment of disclosure’ i.e. speaking to the child about adoption and stories are a great way to make the conversation natural and easy. As they grow older, children will have more questions and adoption conversations will become more nuanced, including acknowledgements of loss, love and sometimes unanswerable questions about biological parents.

If families have one biological child and a second adoptive child, stories help both children understand how the family is growing and evolving. They’re also great for parents whose children have friends who are adopted in order to sensitize their kids to the idea that ‘not every family is like us’ and that’s okay.  

Many of these books are equally meaningful for educators to speak about families beyond the obvious heteronormative (traditional) framework. For instance ‘Tango’ with his two penguin fathers allows us to talk of homosexuality: how some children are brought-up by two Papas or two Mammas. After the legal changes that have recently occurred in India and other parts of the world, it is not unlikely that our children will encounter classmates and neighbours who come from such families and ask questions about them. I strongly recommend all the above titles. Order one of these books and share them with your children to help start an interesting and thought-provoking conversation about love and family life. 

Poulomi is a bibliophile and book hoarder who loves collecting folktales from different parts of the world. She has been working in the development sector for the past  twelve years at the intersection of gender and livelihoods. Currently, her daughter’s interests influence her reading choices. Poulomi is learning to ‘see stories’ with her daughter’s help. Read another of her blog posts here.